I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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