Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
