kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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