What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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