when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
