My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
