I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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