kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
