When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
