I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize