I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
