i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
