god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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