why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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