Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
