Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
