I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
