So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
