my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
