It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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