the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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