you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
