At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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