Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
