i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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