Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
