My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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