Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
