hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
