Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
