Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
