dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
