are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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