The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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