I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
