my sisters under your porch take her home
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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