Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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