I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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