Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
