Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We are two peas in an std pod
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
