Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
