I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
