there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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