my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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