i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
