i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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