My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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