Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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