Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
