so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
