I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
