dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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