Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize