He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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