I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
