what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
