There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
