Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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