Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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