After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
