I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
