I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
